Skoo wop doo we dawn bombom.
Yeeep boo wow skee plee boo now.
How does one become more skattish? The process isn't as easy as 1,2,3 or heart surgery! No, it's a series of trials of strength, endurance, and butthole dexterity.
But I'm sure you all know where I'm going with that, and I'm also sure that I'm scrambling for time, dear lordie let me sway down eazay breezay. The rules are so simple Mike's ma could understand them:
1. Be aggressive!
2. Don't put cheese all over your face and pretend you're the moon. We all know you aren't. That got old like 12 years ago. Ya busta!
3. Keep your pants firmly on the ground. They'll only hold ya back!
4. Like... Do somethin' reaaaaal dope... Or whatever
Five ways to seduce your lion, folks, there ya have em. Get nice and toasty up there with em, mmm nice and goodlike. Whenever that lion gets the samelike just hug em tight and squeeze fer life. Oh nah belly boy you're gone git ready fer this nah. Cos cose he gone got youd all up n dried innem them lion fangs. After that all gets settled, you can finally begin the masterful art of slattery, that is, how to make slats (skats).
Not anybody hardly never attempts the feats no mo'. You know the ones. Kinda like dah giraffes and halfway cooler than that ole corner at the pajama party. Partly listless planters paint poorly portioned portraits of princely prawns and pickles. And if that ain't enough! Oh! Bangskeeterbang!
I guess that calls up God.
Damn near skeeted em,
a log
20 January 2014
19 January 2014
Salty
From whence does the almighty feeling of ekstasis emerge? From the heart some might say! Well I say shaddup feget about it! That's a big ol' bloody blood pump, ya hootenannies! The brain then, them ugly nerds will tell ya. But who trusts the nerds these days! Go read a book on your calculator I tell 'em! Predictably, I will stop to mention that while ekstasis certainly resides in the butthole, we shall assume it not to be the source. So who's the ass, u or me?
In addition! I say that's quite enough of those types of things which I do not care to get into in this frame-state! And, keeping with tradition, I shall now stop to recite for you the next word of the day! It's a good one this time peons, as it always is, so don't squander it!
Thumbittr! -- A dunce, dweeb, lackwit, curmudgeon, ya know, whatever
And yes, that must be spelled with an exclamation point at all times. AT. ALL. TIMES.
Every now and again, we appreciate some input from you, the fan. If you have any comments, questions, concerns, inquiries, prophetic dreams, disconcerting swelling in strange places, high blood pressure, or grapes, please think really hard about them before you go to bed every night and maybe we'll think about considering to help you with them. But we're pretty busy, you know, running the world and all this crazy shit. So we might not get to it. Don't feel bad though; we don't hate you! We're just indifferent to your existence!
That's not mine officer I swears!
-- The Ghost of L. Ron Hubbard's pet Goat
In addition! I say that's quite enough of those types of things which I do not care to get into in this frame-state! And, keeping with tradition, I shall now stop to recite for you the next word of the day! It's a good one this time peons, as it always is, so don't squander it!
Thumbittr! -- A dunce, dweeb, lackwit, curmudgeon, ya know, whatever
And yes, that must be spelled with an exclamation point at all times. AT. ALL. TIMES.
Every now and again, we appreciate some input from you, the fan. If you have any comments, questions, concerns, inquiries, prophetic dreams, disconcerting swelling in strange places, high blood pressure, or grapes, please think really hard about them before you go to bed every night and maybe we'll think about considering to help you with them. But we're pretty busy, you know, running the world and all this crazy shit. So we might not get to it. Don't feel bad though; we don't hate you! We're just indifferent to your existence!
That's not mine officer I swears!
-- The Ghost of L. Ron Hubbard's pet Goat
02 December 2013
Deh Maust Empertentest Kwodes fram Hizturee (perd wan uv aiet-mylye'n)
"I guess you could call my asshole a way-station of sorts. People don't stick around very long, but all sorts come through.Oh! The stories I could tell you!" -- Friedrich Nietzsche
"Hardly anyone ever comes to rustle my jimmies anymore. I dunno, things are different these days, man." -- Leif Ericson
"I once ate at a Chinese restaurant. It wasn't terrible." -- Amelia Earhart
"This is not a poem
Seriously, I mean it
Don't pretend it is." -- Lana Del Rey
"No thanks, I'm not into pottery. I had a traumatic experience as a child, and I never want to talk about it ever. [sobbing]" --Dave from down the street
"If you ever quote me on this I swear to Jesus Almighty I'll wear your face as a loin cloth." -- Frank Sinatra
"One time, I tried to see how many jelly beans I could snort. I got to like 21 before the blood got too thick and I had to stop." -- Margret Thatcher
"Being born with one arm is, like, just one step closer to becoming a fish... right?" -- Woody Guthrie
"Sure, maybe it doesn't matter now, but one day, probably some day soon, you'll look in the mirror and realize what you've become: a sad, washed up hack scraping by between hits of morphine, horse tranquilizers, and metabolic steroids. We're all sick of your shit, Goofy." -- Mickey Mouse
"When I was your age, I was stabbing out commie eyes with a butter knife." -- Emily Dickinson
"Never forget the golden rule: keep 'em laughin'." -- Joseph Stalin
"Oh come on! You're shitting me, right? Five fucking dollars for a goddamn sandwich? Literally - hey, asshole! Are you listening? Literally,I would rather eat my own shit than pay you such a ridiculous price." -- Shirley Temple
"Hardly anyone ever comes to rustle my jimmies anymore. I dunno, things are different these days, man." -- Leif Ericson
"I once ate at a Chinese restaurant. It wasn't terrible." -- Amelia Earhart
"This is not a poem
Seriously, I mean it
Don't pretend it is." -- Lana Del Rey
"No thanks, I'm not into pottery. I had a traumatic experience as a child, and I never want to talk about it ever. [sobbing]" --Dave from down the street
"If you ever quote me on this I swear to Jesus Almighty I'll wear your face as a loin cloth." -- Frank Sinatra
"One time, I tried to see how many jelly beans I could snort. I got to like 21 before the blood got too thick and I had to stop." -- Margret Thatcher
"Being born with one arm is, like, just one step closer to becoming a fish... right?" -- Woody Guthrie
"Sure, maybe it doesn't matter now, but one day, probably some day soon, you'll look in the mirror and realize what you've become: a sad, washed up hack scraping by between hits of morphine, horse tranquilizers, and metabolic steroids. We're all sick of your shit, Goofy." -- Mickey Mouse
"When I was your age, I was stabbing out commie eyes with a butter knife." -- Emily Dickinson
"Never forget the golden rule: keep 'em laughin'." -- Joseph Stalin
"Oh come on! You're shitting me, right? Five fucking dollars for a goddamn sandwich? Literally - hey, asshole! Are you listening? Literally,I would rather eat my own shit than pay you such a ridiculous price." -- Shirley Temple
22 November 2013
heh...
The other guy: howd our butts taste?
Me: sorry for feedin y'all our buttholes
Son: i washed mine
Me: hope ya liked the flavor
Son: prolly still tasted like butthole doe
Me: spicy
Me: yet tangy
Son: hint of creme fraiche
the other other guy: lol
The other guy: wuts funny the other other guy
the other other guy: you guys know each other?
The other guy: wanna share
The other guy: u know me?
The other guy: ?!!! HUh?!
Son: whut neva
The other guy: NO WAI
Me: i know jesus
The other guy: FOR NEVAS
Son: who told YOU
The other guy: I WOUD NEVAS
the other other guy: lol
Son: i wanna know!
Me: he knows me
Me: too
The other guy: shaddup u mangy mutt.
Son: you mutty mng
Me: I FOUGHT IN WATERLOO
The other guy: the other other guy join our club
Son: *mang excuse my french
Me: COCKMUNCHERS
The other guy: we r satanists who bang each other
the other other guy: lol
The other guy: in the face
Son: also make hummus
Me: on da regular
The other guy: LOL!
Son: homemade
Son: tasty
Son: high in protein
The other guy: from our butts!
Me: hmmm... us?
Son: makes your butthiole tangy
Me: ^^ full circle
20 November 2013
Dat Life Grind
I'd have to say that today, in a way, I'm layn'm slayn'm; gettin' on dat life grind -- you know the kind. I went to the shop this morning don't remember what I bought, but let me tell you I sure it be hot on all that.. There's nothing to it if you catch what I mean when I say it, knaw it and thaw it under the sea. Dat's dat grind I'm feelin' -- ya feel dat?
It's been a while since we've graced your pleasant ears and eyes with our almighty ambivalent, presence, and might I say that in our absence, we've been quite prolific. The amount of things we didn't do, words we didn't say, galoshes we didn't galosh... It's quite literally unthinkable. Try to think of it and you'll see what I'm saying. It'll come to you. In a vision of the omniscient kettle of the sun's radiant image. I'd be lying if I said I were lying bout that one, folks!
In sum kinda summary -- Don't say a word. They don't know anything that we do
Love,
ya Ma!
JK it's pete.
It's been a while since we've graced your pleasant ears and eyes with our almighty ambivalent, presence, and might I say that in our absence, we've been quite prolific. The amount of things we didn't do, words we didn't say, galoshes we didn't galosh... It's quite literally unthinkable. Try to think of it and you'll see what I'm saying. It'll come to you. In a vision of the omniscient kettle of the sun's radiant image. I'd be lying if I said I were lying bout that one, folks!
In sum kinda summary -- Don't say a word. They don't know anything that we do
Love,
ya Ma!
JK it's pete.
Asshole in your Butt Hole
*For Stinky*
No
So...
Supple
Aye?
Ehhh, mah mama mah mama she say.
Never dun gonna go
Down that way no mo
Not today, or yester.
Let it fester in ya wound
Til my boy Lester coming thru
Gonna pop out den kneecaps
For through the trees I do plead hats
Do rain down upon us
Pterodactyls are in me
I find myself cringing
The ptero the ptero the ptero
The pterodactyls are in me
Wayside court side
At the ol Kentucky classic
I found the sideways
Sandwich
From whence the world cometh
And mine eyes
Did temble
At the smelly abundance
Of its presence
O! How I amped onto its holy smell.
I reeked for days, sucka!
God, I coulda killed a god today.
With the dump I took in the fump of my crumpet today is a trumpet on which I do lump it thru time the old shrimp bit of which I am biskit.
My mind is bisquik
The kind that u cook wit
Billboard on the street
Told me its secret
And that I took
To the bank, I did
Agree! A great! A Greek!
Or so you thought before...
Before...
The incident
That's why we talking bout Islam folks. Preach
I shall folk it all if we weren't incident creatures oh so meager.
Meter. Parking. Do the math u jackabond of long don whackathon.
Let us rejoin the hot doogens,
For they will non-shtugen the booden foe's mead,
Aye, that of ol' Hammer Fist, Gremlin-Lung Feaster.
Ah! Yes!
And all around the fire too!
Who did not think I would be invited?
I shudder!
So shall you all
Ear-beard bakes a naked cake
The sons of Petros
Make the metro on time
Quarter-marking the market
West-side Trojans fight
Southeast pita.
Vengeance tastes just as fine as hummus
Hmmm... Us?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)