Doing Cool With Us -- And You Will Too!

"And then god or whatever came down in the form of the angel Gabriel and a smallish sized goat wearing a toupee. And both of them were certainly Our Savior, Undercover Be His or Her Name-O." - Pope Francis

"Back in my day we didn't have dildos poppin out our eyes and shit crawling off the walls, nooo-no sirree, we played our poker and we drank our tea, gently. But thems were strange days. I suppose it's different when you're raised by assorted rodents." - Ben Roethlisberger

"Crunchy...but yet also slimy. What's...it..is that a...hint of sudge I detect?" - Emeril Lagasse

"All I can say is that Halloween is the Lord's day, and I'm really quite fed up with all you naysayers." - Laura Bush

"Mondays are the worst. What else in life can give you the intensity of the squirts with the tenderly paced cringing of a well-constipated turd?" - my mother, dad

"I love you, dad. There's no dad that dads like you dad."
- mom

"Well zippity crabbam shoohop!" - Denzel Washington

"Louis the...what was it? The ninth? Tenth? Heh?! Whaddayew sayin' over there? Get over here and say me what the freaking crap you wanna say. I'm tired and my ears smell like piss." - Gabriel Garcia Marquez on homosexual science fiction

"I've got LSD up to my eyeballs, if you catch my drift." - Copernicus 

"All we ah is scrotes in the wind. Heh." - Euripides  

Salami Adventure

"Oh what a day and what a night ahead for all of us crazy folks at the school in the territory previously the most north and the most west but now it’s just the most worth and most nest and perhaps even the best this evening and tomorrow morning could be an adventure or two won’t you join me on such a quest as bold as this while we journey far and wide and deep into the crevasses of the human soul and plunge our swords and sabers into the dark void of mystery and scavenge the remains of what could be our future. To die is but another great adventure and it could be the greatest adventure of them all. Join me on my quest for truth, for knowledge, for power, for love, and most of all; the holy salami. Kept away hidden in the lost lake of the lake within the lake of the sleeping mind and drifting away every now and then in your subconscious, there lies a cavern in which lies a temple in which lies the secret to the holy salami. Only from there can one truly find where such a delicacy of cured meats exists in the waking world and from a map that must be carved into your back we will voyage to every corner of this earth and the rounded edges too until we reach the old man with the wooden eye and he tells us, “search no farther my children, for I am the end of the road.” And then we must kill the old man and eat his eye. And then the answer will become clear as to what to do next and we will go and leave this realm for 50 years until the time is right and when we return everything won’t be the same; the world will have opened up a trench so vast and so deep that it exposes the ancient tomb of Luigi Divalesconi, the maker of the holy salami and many other magic meats. We will swim down deep and far and wide and narrow and thin and fat until we scramble in through the ceiling of Luigi’s deli shop at the bottom of the sea and he will be there waiting for you on his throne of goats. His peperoni eyes stare into your heart, his sausage fingers grip at his sword of pastrami and he begins to attack. With one fell swipe of your sword you cut him down and his delicious desiccated corpse flops pathetically into neat slices. With his dying breath he points to the antechamber of his throne room; therein lies the holy salami. You arrive at the sealed chest and break off the rusty lock. There it is. The treasure of the century. The holy salami. In the flesh. It’s glorious. It reeks. You devour it whole and absorb its mythical powers. You can feel the power coursing through your veins. Your fingertips tingle, you’ve never felt stronger, you feel like you could fight a skeleton army, you feel like you could fight mike Tyson, you feel like you could fight a skeleton army of mike Tysons. Your hair becomes long and billowing, your muscles become incredibly well toned and magic incantations flutter on your lips. Suddenly leaks spring in the ceiling and water begins to rush into the quaint undersea sandwich shop. The water is rising fast, you take a deep breath and fly as fast as you can out the way you came in. But the water is too much. The current is too strong. You are swept away and smashed into the rocks at the bottom of the sea. Your body tries to repair itself with its magical salami powers but only manages to protect you from further damage and keep your body in a comatose state while you lie in wait of rescue from your greed. Some say you are still there, undamaged by time or the fierce waters, but still preserved perfectly, just like a piece of meat."

-- A GHOST