Hams, Hams, and More Hams!

That's right folks, your eyes did not decisive you today! Get 'em while they're hot and fresh! Freshly killed, I mean. And they're hot cuz we're not refrigerating these motherfuckers so ya'll better hurry! Otherwise we're just gonna have a bunch of rotting, stinky hams all over the place growin mold and spreadin disease like nobody's business! And imagine the maggots! Seriously take a good minute to just think of what that'd be like! I'll wait. Yeah, it'd be like that but for every minute all the time. Gross. So if you're a kind decent human being, you'll buy all these porkers! $600 each. Minimum of a dozen per order. Also, you literally have to come get them because we're not gonna ship that shit. We're down on main street in whatever the closest town with a main street is to you. Just look for us on the left right by that awesome hat and sunglasses joint that you got that fly snapback at. You know the one with Alexander Hamilton beatboxing while Aaron Burr is dropping a sick ass rap. But as we all know, personal issues brought that collaboration to a swift and lead-filled end. C'est la vie. Anyway, if you get to the Starbucks, you've gone to far. You'll wanna just come around back; that's where the hams are. Oh and you might wanna bring a blanket or something cuz their still pretty bloody.

But enough about hams and ridiculous historical hip-hop duos; we have much more important ground to cover! For example, how long I can make this post without you (the reader) getting bored and leaving. I assume that happened somewhere around the maggots bit. But if you're still here, I might as well use up some more of your time! Also, there's this really unsightly plot of dirt about two miles up the road that somebody should probably go put something on top of. Maybe grass? I dunno, it doesn't matter! Just get that ground covered stat! 

(I threw that last line in because I knew you had no idea what the fuck that had to do with anything.) 

(You're welcome.) 

Now I would like to respond to some questions from fans. But I can't because we don't do that shit here. So instead, I'm gonna ask and answer my own questions! Ready for an introspective interview?!

Q: So tell me, me, what would you say is your biggest inspiration?

A: Well, as I know, I've always loved sea turtles. Those fuckers are awesome as shit! They just swim all over the world not giving any fucks with their little shells and flippers and their goofy bald heads. They're pretty god damn inspiring, man. Do I get me?

Q: I couldn't have said it better myself! Do I have any advice for the children, so that they to may dream?

A: Well sleep is usually the place to start, but once you get good at it, you can just whip it out whenever you want. You're gonna wanna practice as much as possible, so try to fall asleep whenever you can. That means in class, doing homework, reading, writing blogs, zzzzzzzzzzzzz, zzzz, zzzzzzzzzz, huh? oh right, with your friends; if you wanna get good, pretty much just wake up to eat and take a shit and maybe take a shower and go on the computer or some shit.

Q: I am so insightful! Last question, what would you say it's all about?

A: Instinctively the hokey pokey. But really, what else is it about? The hokey pokey is just a bunch of people who get together and do some dumb shit and just have fun with it. It's the silliest thing in the world (hyperbole), and it's also really fucking lame, but it doesn't matter as long as you want to do it. As long as you have fun and just let go of all the other bullshit and just be in the moment. So do the hokey pokey! Do the hokey pokey! Do the hokey pokey; that's what it's all about!

Q: Wrong answer! You fail this exam!

A: Awww shit! Was it "the Benjamins?" Those fuckin assholes! Why can't I join? Just because my name isn't Benjamin doesn't mean I'm not one at heart!

And that concludes a segment I like to call "Interview by a Madman."

Next time on primokebab:

Does the sun bathe?

How to use your crippling social awkwardness to your advantage!

and

Avoid a Wicked Wednesday: a guide to the week's worst day

With all the love that I possess,

I remain seated.

Me